I feel like I've corrupted this space somehow and I don't like coming back to it anymore.
Both writing about wanting to be a "real" writer and also ranting about the misery of my life in Providence with virtually no interesting insight has really made me ashamed of this place. Was it so bad, to just write a few half-decent and concise little essays every so often and then get a few links and even a few comments here and there?
What I miss, and this could be just as much a problem of changing methods of "content delivery" as anything else, is that I used to at least feel a part of some sort of discourse. It was never about trying to control, to be recognized, etc. I just wanted a seat at the table of ideas, even if it meant eating my dinner silently and listening.
Instead, I stupidly demanded more of a voice AND posted some of the most worthless, self-pitying crap of my life.
You should see what goes unpublished. I have 9,000 words of juvenile invective on just music alone!
I don't even know what I am doing to get page views anymore.
I can't even tell if what I am writing right now is part of the problem or part of the solution.
I'm lost. But not forever. I'll be back, but I'm not sure how yet. I need help. I need to do it myself. I need to be taught how to fish, but I might just steal your fucking fish and then plead hunger the next day.
This is not me signing off. Just trying to explain.