I really want to write again, but I don't know how.
I had, for no particular reason, a really, really, dark day today. I mean, bad bad.
I was trying to convince myself I only had so much time to live, true, and that that time was up very, very shortly, maybe true, statistically-speaking, not at all, and I was wandering angrily through the streets practically yelling at myself just, "you can do whatever the fuck you want to do, what do you want to do" and I just couldn't think of anything at all. I'm in a really deep rut and I find it harder and harder to get out of these things than it used to be. The reward is harder to imagine.
I could go on a rant about New York and just, you know, where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to want? I won't go on that rant, even though, really, this has become a truly shitty place to live, other than to say, after I was done slamming my head against the wind, I finally found myself in a subway station and, disoriented, I hopped the train in the wrong direction. Two stops later, I got off and went up to the street to cross the intersection towards taking the train downtown and I had this sliver of hope that maybe something unanticipated would be there to guide me to somewhere. I had forgotten, of course, that I had been at that intersection before, and I was pretty frustrated to figure that out less than a second from when I turned my attention away from ascending the staircase to my newly-visible surroundings, which were, well, I think it was a Best Buy and a Shake Shack. Crap Caravan. Wizened Wallets.
I don't want you all to freak out. I'll be around tomorrow. I do want to live, and I'm so dissociated from and inured to my own feelings that I'm writing that I want to live with a sense of distance and even bemused irony that is really impossible to convey, especially to those of you who, like I, have lost people prematurely. You have nothing to worry about, I have nothing to worry about. Which, in a weird way, is the fucking problem. I can go on like this, and this is nothing to me.
I want to live, even too much. I feel like a dog desperately licking the face of his owner who lies dead on the kitchen floor. I could stop, but only to curl up in the corner and stare at the crumpled body and wait, whimpering.
2 comments:
can you take a trip somewhere? change of scene might help. of course you have to return but it's always a recharge - new stimuli.
Definitely a good idea! I'm absolutely sure a change of scene will help. Sometimes I do forget that I am one of those people who need new stimuli constantly, sometimes I resent myself for it. Probably a lot of my frustration with current music and NYC is the frustration of this desire. The experience I described above is really persistent, turning a new corner only to find the same things.
One of the numerous proximate causes of the current freakout - everything at my current job was fine until the last week of December. All of a sudden, my income dropped pretty precipitously, so that over the last few weeks, I've only been earning enough to cover basic expenses, ie rent, bills, food (in the grand scheme, I'm doing much better than most). Even though I could load up the old credit card with a little debt towards getting away for a week or two, as things stand, I have little hope of being able to pay for the trip in any reasonable amount of time, whether pre-departure or post-return.
Amusingly, one of the last non-essential purchases I made last year was a travel guide to some beautiful island somewhere. Had I been able to enact my plan, I would literally be there now; instead, I am looking for another job. If I find it, it will be the fifth in less than four years.
Like Soul II Soul, I'll keep on moving, if a bit begrudgingly.
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