Self-acceptance is only easy when a self desires ease.
I woke up at 2pm today.
I woke up late because I went to bed late, and because I slept very badly. I went to bed late because I have intense feelings for another person. I slept badly because I still dream of cities that don't exist, parties that don't exist.
There was a door to another world that now opens to reveal a CVS.
I am. I want to go to bed at a decent hour. I want to desire less. I want to stop chasing phantoms.
That is not who I am. I have no idea if I will ever stop being who I am. Probably not. Who else could I be?
I know why I feel so exhausted. I don't know why I feel so embarrassed. Bohemia must have failed. For decades, I don't think I would have felt embarrassed. Why does it not feel "cool" anymore to stay up late? To embrace contingency? I think I know. I think I have written about it.
I was drunk recently and was reading about "myself" through astrology. I don't believe it all. Just a lot of words written by someone else that can be agreed with or not. Like everything else, really. But a few things:
Scorpio. Hates small talk. Can't deal with large groups of people and incessant meaningless chatter. Prefers one-on-one conversations, intense knowledge of individuals. Few friends, but incredibly loyal to all of them. Intense emotional experiences are the only ones that feel valid. Mystical. The most challenging of all the signs to be.
I know that last bit is only there to feed my ego. But then again, being a seeker is a bitch. If even one iota of the above is true for anyone, then that means there must be some other people of other signs whose goal is to live a pragmatic life. And we live in pragmatic times. Haven't we always?
So here I am. I am 32. In a world without Ginsberg I listen to the best minds of my generation discussing nothing. And I still dream of cities that don't exist, parties that don't exist. How to say fuck you and fuck this? How to like me? How to unlock myself and be subsumed by myself? How to make it work?
Because I have to.
Because someday I will be 33, and I will be exhausted...