Ok. So I can write. A bit. Sometimes. What's next?
I think I've always said that I have no aspirations to be a professional writer and it's true. But let me explain what I mean.
I worry that I can't be depended on when there are deadlines. I don't want to write things I don't want to write. Money or no money. I don't ever have any sense beforehand whether I will be inspired when I sit down. All my best and worst writing comes just as easily, and with the same amount of premeditation. There's little editing involved. I can't imagine myself writing for Pitchfork or Resident Advisor. For a millions reasons. Some: I hate short word counts, or the idea that what a piece of music could symbolize or engender on a social level is beyond the purview of a review. Especially since I think I am pretty bad at describing music itself.
Also the hype cycle. The fact that every publication, even the ones the publish good stuff, is ultimately full of shit. People actually like Haim. What fucking world do I live in?
I also realize I am much more disillusioned than most. What new records would I write about? If I wanted to go the regular route, I would put together a portfolio of reviews. Of what records though? Or rather, which ones recorded after 2005?
Also, I should say, I don't want to ever depend on my writing in any way, to have any of my sense of pleasure and autonomy taken away from me. I wish more people came to this blog, wish more people gave a shit, but I haven't done anything about it for a reason. This is my space outside of anyone's expectations but my own. I like it that way.
I had an offer once. From the sadly-defunct Stylus Magazine. Some of those guys used to hang out on the same music message board I did. They liked my writing. I got sent an album. I had nothing to say. That was it. I felt horrible. Still regret it, though I still have nothing to say about that album; haven't even listened to it since. Didn't enjoy the pressure of trying to have something to say I didn't have something to say about. Didn't enjoy being relied on or disappointing others, though, most likely, I was more disappointed in me than they were.
It doesn't help that I can name more than a few people smarter and more talented than I who write and don't get anywhere. I look into the future and I can't see myself in it, to quote somebody else, somewhere.
Insecurity, too. How many books must one read, how many records must one have heard, how many films, etc.? Never enough as far as I am concerned. I only know what I know, if even that
But I do write. So is the next step just being more formal about it and sending things out to people before putting them up for free here? I feel like I've hit a wall, somehow. Feel I can do better. Feel that I want to challenge myself to do better. Feel like there is a difference between working at a bar and being a bartender. I may always have to do the former. But I don't want to be the latter anymore.
5 comments:
I started writing stuff last year and putting it up on the decades blogs. Having people about there it felt better because a) to me it feels good to know at least someone's reading it and b) I became more confident with writing because it's a nice place to be. There or somewhere like that would be a good idea.
write a novel, self-publish via the internet. you won't make any money and no-one will read it, but given that you wouldn't write for readers or money anyway it won't matter.
Actually, the seven people whose opinion you care about will read it. they will like it. that's all that matters.
Thanks for the suggestions.
Carl was nice enough to invite me to write for the decades blogs years ago but I don't seem to ever come up with anything to add. I should try harder.
Still can't see myself writing fiction. Maybe I should try. Someday.
I'm serious about the idea that I don't care about having a career, especially if that means doing things I don't want to do. Already have enough of that sort of thing in my life. But something has to change. Writing, working on music, etc., does give me some pleasure, but there is a larger sense of alienation that must be overcome. What really gives me pleasure is participating, giving, feeling part of a discourse. I can't go on like this, being totally divorced from any context. I feel like the expected link between action and reaction is totally broken throughout the entirety of my life. It's not a good place to be.
I could write an amazing record. I could wear masking tape on my ears and try and walk only on my right foot on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I could sell everything and move to a tropical island and offer my services as a knitter of heavy woolen sweaters. I could try and procure as many different types of cell phones as possible and open a museum in my kitchen.
Why? Why Not?
Hard to define what I want because I can't just point somewhere else and say "that".
"I'm serious about the idea that I don't care about having a career, especially if that means doing things I don't want to do. Already have enough of that sort of thing in my life. But something has to change. Writing, working on music, etc., does give me some pleasure, but there is a larger sense of alienation that must be overcome. What really gives me pleasure is participating, giving, feeling part of a discourse."
well this is my mind-set entirely, really. I don't want to turn writing into a job (even if I could)but tat is not going to stop me from writing more or less as much as if it were my job.
Fact is though that of the seemingly numerous options that you list as potential life moves basically what you are doing and have been doing is writing, innit? And writing out of existential need rather than because you fancy the idea of "being a writer." So it would seem that being very serious about writing was an obvious move. But ultimately it seems to me you are just hoverig on thebrink of commiting to the idea of yourself as someone whose life is oriented around writing, we wouldn't be having this conversation if you weren't.
plus, when I say "write a novel" i mean really, just think big and do something grand, life consuming and expansive with writing,or music making. You'll die poor, but crucially, not unloved.
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